‘‘I still remember clearly how it felt; sitting by the fires next to you. It’s a feeling that I can’t describe, yet I can’t seem to have enough time talking about it. Memories! They are beautiful.
I smile every time I think about you. Did you know that you left me a gift I couldn’t exchange even with the price of gold? That’s how special you are to me.
You were not perfect, never perfect but then again, you were enough to make me shed tears of pain, joy and mixed feelings anytime I thought about you.
No one could fight like us. No one could curse like us. No one could be like us. No one could be… A GIRL LIKE ME! Thanks to you!
You said I would never be alone! You said you would be with me from dusk till dawn! That is so true of you. Amidst the smiles even as I write this, I can’t help but say that… YOU ARE SUCH A BAD JERK! You promised to be there for me, yet still, you left and now you are the only one who can see me!
Who gave you the right to do that? Who said you could go alone without me? Who said it was time to go? You never gave me the chance to prepare, to learn, to grow. You went away, like the snow that I have never seen all my life; I have to imagine your presence! I have to pretend that I’m happy but, you know me; I’m still stupid as ever. I never learned, I never prepared, and I never grew. I am still the way you left me; I am still the same GIRL LIKE ME!
A few years have gone by since you left. I am a big girl now. You would be surprised how grown and mature I have become. I have changed a lot, so much that it scares me. I think I would soon grow old like you and maybe when its time to finally see you again, we will meet. I always had one wish, one thing I wished I could do before I meet you. That is to see you, to tell you what I have never told you before, something I used to thread to say because I didn’t really know what it meant.
Now that I think about it, the saying that ‘you don’t know what you have until you lose it’ is true. I could go on rambling about us but I guess the readers would be bored, right?
BAD BITCH! Who asked you to be the first to leave? I wanted to show you a lot of things. I wanted to show you how good I am now at drawing. I wanted to show you the paintings I have done so far. I wanted to show you all of it, but too bad. You are not here to see how great I have become. Too bad you are not here to see what I painted and still paint about you. IT’S YOUR LOSS!
All this time that you weren’t here hasn’t been easy, I must fess up and to be honest, nothing could ever be the same. A part of me left the moment you took your last breath. It was like a dream at first. A dream I wanted to wake up from, a dream I wanted to end quickly, a dream that made me want to really come out from. My heart stopped at that moment, and it seems my world came to an end, I heard the cry of your beloved and then, then I knew something terrible had happened, I knew something I wasn’t prepared for had happened, I knew it because my knees became weak and my breath stopped for that moment, my heartbeat fast like never before, my body refused to move and my legs didn’t even listen to me. I was in a daze for a moment, and gathering courage amidst the tears, I took the clothes you wore that night and I went to sit in a chair and started washing them. I didn’t know what I was doing but I couldn’t stop because that was the only way to stop me from breaking down.
There were enough tears already in the house, I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone but, God knew I wanted to scream and go back to the hospital and pull you out of that fridge and tell you to go home with me. You left and took a part of me that never came back cos it left with you for good! It was so loud in my head and I couldn’t take back the words I said and the words I never said still remain in my heart. Even as I drown in my regrets, I can’t take back the words that I never said, because even though I have grown, I am still there, at the very moment that you left with no warning or goodbye. There was so much I wanted to say but, upon seeing you; why did I have to collapse then, only to wake up with the news that you were gone? I wanted to tell you that I passed my exams and that I qualified to study but most of all I wanted to tell you my fears, joys and how much I really loved you, YOU JERK!’’
The first time I read this letter, I cried, then I laughed then I felt pity for the writer but most of all, I admired her for her courage to share this with the world-the true feelings of how a loved one is no longer with us.
I admired her courage to speak out about her pain. I admired her courage because even though she knew that anyone that chanced upon it might laugh and make fun of her and call her melodramatic.
Yes, she is melodramatic and she is allowed to without having the feeling of being called a MAD BLACK WOMAN!!!
When the black woman tries to express her fears and worries, they criticize and condemn her and call her names. Some say she is looking for attention and others go as far as calling her ‘the obsessed attention seeking whore’.
The black woman deserves to express her fear, she deserves to talk about them without fear of being branded. She deserves to let out her emotions and she deserves a break. But when she finally realizes she deserves all of these things? They call her the MAD BLACK WOMAN!!!!
Yes, she is a Mad Black Woman, for expressing herself, for trying to come out of her pain for speaking out and for saying NO to whatever shell they want to put her inside.
[I dedicate this chapter to the Holy Spirit for the gift and Grace to write and to every black woman who is fighting every day to be free].
BY: Apee Paulina Zoey ( aka PURPLEBRIDE).
